I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath
You think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy
Well, that’s nothing.
My kids have been going nuts for this song. It is on high rotation in the car. It is now under my skin and lo and behold, Eminem + Rihanna have got me thinking. Who knew?
In my experience of managing anxiety, the single biggest hurdle to my recovery was acceptance. Last year, in the aftermath of a series of panic attacks, I wrote this post. This excerpt is resonating with me right now:
“I accept me for me.
I am a bit broken, a whole lot resilient and a colourful medley of calm + not calm.
A beautiful mess.
And I really shouldn’t expect me to be any other way.”
But my panic has come back a bit. It is a combination of stress and exhaustion of which neither have a quick fix. So I have been working hard on one thing inside of my messy head…accepting that my anxiety just is.
I have voices inside my head.
Sometimes they are cheerleaders encouraging me to take a risk and have a go. They bounce and cartwheel and bring positive vibes.
Other times they are shouty little fuckers with an acid tongue and a foul temper. Bleak little bastards.
Every now and then they are self esteem destroyers on a battleship of put downs and doubt.
Then there are those monsters who I would like to see more often. The resilience monster who picks themselves up again. The calm monster who sees the light in everything. The empathy monster who is aware of how others are feeling. The imperfect monster who leaves the beds unmade. The okay monster who says yes instead of no. The quiet monster who doesn’t shout.
My posse of monsters make me who I am. I need to let some live more prominently inside my head. There are others that I would like to evict. But by accepting that all the voices can be heard when they need to then I will understand that my head is a beautiful mess that is just simply perfect. Hard to live with? Absolutely. Liveable? Yes, it really is.
Colour me green – with clarity + understanding. Colour me a monster of resilience and a master of languages as I decipher all the voices inside my head. Colour me comfortable, accepting and a beautiful mess.